I've been drawing this picture of myself since I was just a little girl
It started out with squiggly lines over an oval to symbolize my curls
And then I started to add in things that I hadn't yet seen in the mirror
A couple of curves, voluptuous lips and lashes just to make it more clear
That it wasn't my characteristics that made me beautiful, it was all of the expectations I was expected to meet
My womanhood
Once I had completed my desired features I tried to blend the tan and brown crayons to match my complexion
Not yet knowing that perfection
Could not be depicted from something I could find inside of a box, of manufactured thoughts
For no one is truly able to define the colors inside of me
So then I added in accessories, like vanity and impurity,
Trying to associate myself with the things society was teaching me to be
Ha, this self portrait is starting to not look like me.
Yet no matter how many times I crumple up the paper and start fresh, I can't seem to get past the idea that all that I've been drawing is proof that I've been processed
It started out with squiggly lines over an oval to symbolize my curls
Who knew my artistry would get out of control?
Intricacy grows as I paint in what appears to be a moat
Separating my heart from my being, trying to disassociate myself from what it means to be intelligent and free
I wish I was naïve
Because ignorance is bliss and because I know that a part of the reason that I'm feeling like this is a result of this reflection of this manufactured image
Too afraid to say wait, I may have made a mistake, can I erase the places where I once wrote group think, fear, conform
I don't know who I am anymore, I'm torn
So I'm peeling back paint
Trying to relate to the girl that's beneath all of this self hate
I hope that you can see me for me, I'm probably not what you think
But I'm trying to be, the artist that's in control of this representation of me
And eventually, you'll appreciate my transparency
Please be patient with me
Cause I've been drawing this picture of myself since I was just a little girl
Without knowing the squiggly lines would represent more than just my curls
painting by Jessica Oropesa
Geminelle (2013)