Time

Earlier today, I was stopped by a young man as I was entering the subway.. He asked me if I knew anyone looking for a job, confidently I said "no", although I'm currently "unemployed" myself. He asked again, what about yourself? And proceeded to offer me a job, as a telemarketer. He went on about how it was easy money, sit at a desk and answer calls all day.. I said, "that's not the type of job I'm looking for". He was appalled, saying, well are you looking for a job or no?!

It made me realize how little the idea of easy anything appeals to me anymore.

Recently I had my morals challenged by the temptation of instant gratification, the piece of resistance that has the biggest hold on me. I've often put off making a change because I knew I could try again tomorrow. "Just this one time" mentality. The same mentality that has caused me to sacrifice myself and the feelings of the people that I love on numerous occasions.. Friends, significant others, people who look up to me, acquaintances. What's worse is I hardly felt remorse in those moments. Selfishly, I did what I felt like would get me ahead in a game of strategy that I was playing against myself. No one ever wins.

I'm proud to say I'm not the girl that I was anymore, the challenge of temptation is greeted by thorough conversation in my head before a quick "screw it".. I contemplate and weigh the options, and I will say, I'm making much wiser decisions now.

I will say that I am fortunate enough to have some amazing people in my life with whom I've been able to process these truths. Not many people can say that. Family, friends, loved ones. No judgment, just an open ear and if need be a shoulder and a hug, which is often needed.

Time has a funny way of molding you, if you allow it to. Indeed that's the only way things have ever changed, over time.

Although, "unemployed", what I do with my time is so much more valuable than anything money can buy.. We work to attain freedom, but I already have freedom building my career as an artist and educator. Focusing my time on what I want to accomplish, which leaves little room for error in my opinion, so my focus has to be on the right things, which often means making good moral decisions so that I'm not haunted by the consequences of my bad choices. I think imma be alright, after all.

Someone once told me that making the right decision in the midst of small moral dilemmas is how one strengthens their character to make the right decisions when faced with much larger dilemmas. That same person also told me that a step to the side when you're trying to pursue your purpose could be the reason why you never fully fulfill your purpose. In this time I have too much to lose and so much to gain than to be distracted by instant gratification. I am trying to shape a character that'll last... Longevity..