"Trust Your Struggle"
There's no possible way to predict the direction your life is headed in. I feel like I relearn this every month, maybe even more frequently than that. It seems every time things start going as "planned", plans change.
I was feeling really confident about the direction of my life... I was working a job that allowed me to continue my pursuit of my music career, able to travel while working, and still pay my bills.
For the first time, since working for this company, I decided to utilize the freedom to travel and booked a ticket home for a 6 week stay where I would work on music and build the company I was working for.
Things got a little shady. Before I left, I noticed I wasn't being paid on time or consistently. Because my bosses are in different time zones, I assumed that must be why. When I touched down in San Diego, I completed my hours for the week, sent in my invoice and waited. After over 24 hours, I still hadn't received my payment.
That day, I was told that I had to stop working for the week while the partners of the company decided what my next steps were. Almost immediately, I started to panic. Up until this point, I've been working nearly exactly paycheck to paycheck, with a little money here and there to put aside.... Not working for a full week meant not being on schedule to pay bills.... Trying to appreciate the moment, being back home, with events coming up, I forgot about it, and decided I would wait to hear from the partners about my next steps.
Realistically, I was good with whatever was next, but I could feel the nerves fluttering inside my stomach... I started thinking of next steps, I jumped into over drive to figure out what I would do to make sure bills were paid on time...
Despite my spiritual understanding of time, money, and life at this point, my human instincts were thinking survival, stability, and access in the form of money. Spiritually, I'm aware that something is shifting and that my time has been freed up and that allows for a lot of opportunities to make moves toward my career goals. Humanly, I'm frightened by what it means to be broke and 3000 miles away from where I live with no concrete plan in sight.
Sunday morning hits, I wake up to an email that lets me know I've been let go from my job. With four weeks left in San Diego, I got up and just kept it pushing. I had a Block Party to get ready for and I didn't have time to waste sulking in what it meant to be unemployed.
But God is good, all the time! The Follow The Music Block Party was an amazing success, and the people loved what they were experiencing. Although, I can't say I made a lot of profit, I can say that I realized something about my purpose. I am a connector of people, it is my job to bridge gaps, communities, and create spaces where people can thrive. This Sunday, I did exactly that... In a community where art is not readily available, I gave space to artist to showcase the depths of their souls. I felt good about it. I still feel good about it.
Yesterday, I looked back at photos from the week and saw a photo that resonated with me. A piece of art, graffiti on a wall in Oakland read, "Trust Your Struggle". Words much easier spoken than believed and I thought to myself, "that's a tough thing to do, but I'm sure it's rewarding".
I have never been financially stable... Never had a savings account that I didn't have to dip into. Finances have always been my struggle. I'm used to it. It just seems so redundant after awhile to always have to wonder when ends will be met...
Then I look at my life.... The things I've accomplished, the opportunities I've been able to create, the amount of traveling I've been able to do.. The freedom that I've had to be able to think, and maneuver, and I say screw money.... I'm doing what people work up to retirement for. So who is really struggling?
Honestly, there's still much to be processed in this season... I'm just grateful for the time and space that I'm in to even be able to process it.. What better way, then to be at home in beautiful sunny San Diego, where I have all the freedom to think. God knows what he's doing. I just gotta let him BeGreat>.