Wake up, Gem.
I've been terrible, I know.. I haven't said a word in a couple of months.. It's not that I haven't been experiencing anything, in fact I would say it's the direct opposite of that. I've been experiencing so much, I don't even know where to start in discussing it. Bear with me as I unpack and unfold the many boxes I've had locked in the attic of my mind. It should be an interesting journey.
This resonates with me, so I'll speak to it. I've been seeing myself in a different light lately. In fact, I'm not the same person I used to be. So now the new me looks at the old me and pities the person that lives there. So broken, she didn't even realize it.
I had this friend once, perhaps one of the most beautiful souls I've ever met. She taught me love in a way I had never seen in a person. In fear, and in selfishness, I hurt her in a way that has been unforgivable on my end. I made her feel as if she didn't matter in my life, that is far from the truth. At her feet, I learned that neglect is the highest form of punishment for me, not to have a chance to speak out or to be heard... to apologize, sincerely. I lost my mind. And because I felt she wouldn't listen, I got loud. Bore my soul on the internet. How immature.. I figured if she wouldn't listen to me directly, perhaps she'd hear me crying out if I screamed loud enough in the distance. Ask me how that worked out... Not well at all. The entire time, I felt myself backsliding, slipping further and further away and just allowing myself to slide.
This part of my life SUCKS, but had it never happened I would probably continue on hurting people in the same manner. I learned to think before I act.. And to lead with love. I know now that love is humble. Accepts the space that souls need to heal, which includes listening to my own soul. Sometimes stepping away is all that's needed. I made things worse for myself. I felt it then, and know it now.
Progress is one of the most beautiful options that God gives us. Yes, I said option. I do believe it's a choice. There's something unsettling about comfort. That sounds like an oxymoron, but I couldn't see myself lying oblivious to the beautiful obstacles that God often gives us.. For me, anyway. What do we learn when the road has already been paved for us? It takes making mistakes to truly be able to see what needs to be corrected, perseverance to know what triumph feels like, and a few scars and bruises to remind you of the battles you've won.
Do I wear my scars with pride? Heck no, not always. But I am trying. And I am confident enough to stare the old me in the face and tell her that she no longer has a hold of me. She doesn't taint my thoughts the way she used to, or taunt me with the comfort of her arms. Now it's just a matter of exposing her so that she doesn't fester and rule from the darkness of my embarrassment.
It is so easy not to die at the hands of yourself. Morbid as it may seem, you have to kill the memories that hold you back. Yesterday is so insignificant. Hurt people, hurt people. It's a relentless cycle. Sometimes we're so hurt we can't even feel it anymore. Wounded and numb for the sake of surviving. Neuro-system shifts into autopilot. In my final plummet, I woke up. From now on, I'll navigate out of the storms in manual.