I've been extremely quiet lately.
I've been trying to figure out why.
At first, I thought I was scared to write. Scared of what might come out, what test God was going to give me next, scared of all the tasks he would ask of me.
But, honestly, I'm far beyond that point in my growth. I embrace the tests, the challenges, the tasks because I know that His assignments are divine training in order to receive greater gifts. I haven't been afraid of His voice for awhile. I welcome it. So that couldn't be the case.
If it isn't fear, than what is it?
Why do I avoid picking up that pen?
My significant other, bless him, he's been asking me all day if I'm ok, and what's on my mind. I honestly had nothing to say. Finally I said, "I'm not happy with where I'm at in life. I'm also tired of complaining about it."
In many ways, I hope this is my final complaint...
Lemme just say this... I'm fully aware that I am extremely blessed! And I want to note that 2014 has been one of the best years of my life. I am also aware that there is a lot of other shit going on in the world that make my issues far less significant. These things I'm aware of, which is why I feel so strongly about the next few things I'm going to say...
When I consider everything that's happening in the world, I'm so quickly directed to what I'm doing about it. When I'm honest with myself about where my energy is going, the truth is that the majority of it goes toward a 9-5 that I frankly don't give a damn about.
I feel restless because I know how implemental I can be in making change in a world that so desperately needs it, but instead I'm sitting behind a desk collecting data to save an organization that needs to be reset anyway. It's disheartening.
I hate admitting that I'm unhappy because I feel like I shouldn't have any reason to be, but I am, and for right now, I can't help it.
Everyday, I think about ways to get out of my current situation.
My efforts have felt futile.
And it drives me crazy because I know I should at least be thinking about something more, but I'm constantly preoccupied by something that is not aligned with my purpose and I feel so stuck.
I keep praying for a way out, and I know my God will provide. So I'll be patient.
Until then, I'll continue to focus my energy on the things that are within my control.
Abundance. Faith. Stillness. Prayer. Meditation. Patience. Gratitude. Love.
I'll be alright in no time.