Life has been a serious whirlwind. I'm assuming this is what evolution must feel like. It's insane. Since my last blog, things have changed tremendously, as things do in 4 months time. I'm grateful to say that I am no longer "unhappy" as I was when I last updated you all.
First let me just say, I'm thankful that you've continued to rock with me even in my absence.
March 27th was my last day working my 9-5 job. I took a part-time job that provided me just shy of rent and decided that that was my way out. As you've probably gathered by now, I take these types of leaps often. I do it because I truly believe that when you leap, and follow your intuitive calling, God provides a net that will catch you. "Leap, and the net will appear".
I had these hopes of jumping directly into my new role with ease, focusing my energy on music, She Is Soul, and supporting my man with his business, TunnelVision. God of course ALWAYS has different plans.
It's been just shy of a month since I left my position now, I went into this transition fasting to have clarity of mind, and in that stumbled into the whirlwind of evolution I was talking about!
Before I left my job, I had it all figured out. I mapped out my entire week for weeks in advance. I knew what I would do at every hour to maximize my time and maximize my energy and hustle. What I didn't expect was the amount of time it would take me to process this transition. In my first week, I slept damn near all day, everyday. My dreams, traumatic scenarios from my previous job, they kept me up at night, causing me to sleep during the day (I had to ask people if it was possible for me to have PTSD lol). I had trouble adjusting to my new job even with the hours being cut in half, I still had trouble completing my hours! I didn't accomplish anything else that I had set out to accomplish.
I was hard on myself at first, then I realized that transitions that are as big as this take time to settle into.
I honestly thought I would be much happier, I mean, I left the job that I felt was bringing me down. I should be happier, right? At the end of the day it was deeper than that. I still didn't have everything I felt I needed, and I left a really secure position for a part-time job with no guarantee that hours would increase right before tax season (clearly I owed money lol). To top it all off, in my new found free-time, I really missed my family and friends from San Diego and became incredibly homesick. I fell into the darkest hole I've fallen into in a LONG TIME.
I think that moving to New York in a way hardened my heart. The constant connection I had in San Diego, I don't get here. In fact, it's hard to catch up with anyone! On top of that, the commute to and from work, working half the day, on the train the other half, and hustling in between, I found it hard to worry about anything but staying focused. Now, I had time to process all of the things that I was missing that I didn't think about when I left my hometown of 26 years. (Crazy that it took me this long to realize).
I titled this piece "Penultima" because it reminds me of my favorite childhood long-jump coach, Coach Steele. He would always say, "You gotta get DOWN to get UP!". Obviously a coaching strategy for what would become the greatest long jumpers in California, but also a beautiful metaphor for this transition I've been in.
It took an EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN for me to realize that things could only get better from here! And WOW, have they!! I literally keep turning around to blessing after blessing and I'm humbled and soooooo thankful for the lows that have only become highs literally within a week's time.
As a human being, I sometimes neglect my feelings in order to get by, but as an artist, one created in His image, I have to remember to FEEL. It's what helps me evoke feelings in others!
God breaks us down so that we have to depend on Him for support. I never allow myself to be weak until I can't handle it anymore. I don't surrender the way that I should. So God will put test after test in my way until I do. I still have so much to learn. But I TRUST. I have no reason not to. God knows better than I.