Growing Pains..

Where does time go?  

Lately I've had to remind myself that time is a construct that only exists if we acknowledge it. Sometimes I'll zone out and suddenly it's Sunday all over again. 

This past week took me by surprise.. Not in the best of ways. I found myself feeling blue about my current predicament in life. 

I'm sure many people felt that after college, after grad school, life would become somewhat easier. You get offered a steady job making at minimum 50k a year and work your way up until you've created your perfect life/work situation. I definitely thought I'd be creating programs in colleges geared toward the arts, living a cushy and fulfilling life by now. 

Sometimes I really miss that optimistic ambition that came with not understanding how the real world works. 

I guess all of that could have been possible had I not decided that the politics of education were all too much for me to handle. I was too passionate, and therefore very vocal about what I agreed and disagreed with.

This week I began to have doubts about my path... I spent 6 years in post secondary education trying to decide my path and somehow ended up taking the "unconventional" route of pursuing music as a craft instead. Six years and mad debt later. 

Now at the still very young age of 28, I found myself disappointed in the fact that I still live paycheck to paycheck.  

My decision to pursue music never came from a desire to earn money, although I do recognize the lucrative potential in doing that.. I've always wanted to make an impact, and hence have been incredibly successful.. But I still acknowledge the need to pay bills. Something I struggle with on a monthly basis.  

I found myself questioning my decisions. To move to New York, to continue to pursue a career in music.. I genuinely had a weak moment where I placed societies expectations of a 28 year old woman in America over my calling.. I contemplated throwing in the towel to pick up a job instead. How dare I? 

Over the last few days, I sulked more than I ever have.. I cried, I acknowledged my faults.

My faults didn't lie in my path, in my choices, or in my lifestyle.. They laid in my expectations to appear better off than I am.  

I asked myself why I was going through this struggle and the answer was, because people need to see it.  

A lot of us are too afraid to bare our souls for the world to see. I'm just trying to live 100% in truth and that means letting people know, "nah, I'm not ok".  

I really don't wanna fight with myself anymore. Although I know there will be other days like these past few ones. 

I just have to remember that success is not about money, power, & respect. It's about the impact you make and the people you serve. 

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