I can't recall ever feeling like this.
I've been calling it "the shedding of my skin", that's the best way I can describe this becoming of something/someone new. Someone I don't think I've met before. I feel powerful.
I haven't blogged in quite some time. I removed myself from all things visible. I felt exposed in a way that made me uncomfortable. I felt this need for validation without knowing what for, or from who. Who was I relying on for this sense of confidence in my direction?
I started feeling really insecure about things and needed to check myself on it.
It was a lot of small things that blossomed into something much bigger. Like my album not being done after constantly announcing the coming of it's release while I'm just beginning to understand the amount of work that actually goes into an album.
Or me explaining constantly all of the goals I have set for myself via my blog and still not having the space to accomplish them.
I started beating myself up for disappointing my audience when I don't even really know who is even paying attention.
So I had to take a break.
I couldn't sit around any longer, disappointed with myself about a possibility that may or may not have even existed. All the while, beating myself up knowing good and well that some of the defeat was out of my control. I don't have it all together... Why do I have to appear like I do?
I took some time to sort through things. I began to see the value in this life as a freedom that I have to choose. There is no one to disappoint except myself. I can't live with the expectation to please other people. That gets tricky when it comes to people you love, or want to support. I'm just learning that true freedom comes from understanding that their purpose in my life shouldn't fade when I'm fulfilling my own purpose. And if it does, that's ok too. I'll take what I've learned from the relationship and move on.
I can't be afraid to lose anything. Not without unintentionally clinging to it. That's such an unnatural feeling... A feeling that keeps us from progressing.
Anyway, understanding that has me feeling fearlessly bold. I like it.
Suddenly it feels like I'm molting into something new.
The new me feels powerful, unfamiliar but rooted in truth. I suppose I'll just have to take the time to know me again...
After all, the unexamined life isn't worth living, right?