Recluse

There are times in this life when it's appropriate to go inward.  As an artist, as an event planner, I have two roles that empower me to be social nearly all the time.  If I'm honest with myself, that's not who I am.  Deep inside, I'd rather be introspective without distraction.  I enjoy me time more than any other time.  I like to stay inside, watch from the outside, and give time to those who are deeply close to me.  

I had to remind myself that this is who I am.  

It's not that I don't love people, I do! I love being around good energy, and good vibes.  I like to go out and party, socialize, dance, people watch, all of that.. I enjoy the energies that come with being around a lot of people having a good time.  The thing is, there's a time and place for all of that.

Right now, I'm adjusting to a lot of things.... New jobs, different living situation, off balance family structure.  Things are different... And I need to re-calibrate. 

Carrying on, going out, having fun, those things just don't seem appealing right now.  Not when back home, my father is still in the hospital, and I'm helplessly watching the family adjust from afar.  Not when I don't feel like I'm contributing.  Not when everything around me has shifted, not when I'm relearning balance in a level up I'm still getting to know. 

At times like this, you adjust... That means sacrifice. 

For me, sacrifice means being more selfish.  It means being honest about what I can achieve, even if that means disappointing people.  It means telling people no.  It means turning down opportunities to sit in a room and do absolutely nothing but think.  It means wallowing in whatever self-pity you have while you try to process the state of life that you're in.  

It's ok to do these things. 

Sometimes, I feel bad about not stepping up to the plate and handling things better, but then I remember that everything is a process, healing included.  

This week, I allowed myself to heal.  And for the most part, that meant doing nothing.  I got sucked into a dramatic TV Series for the first time in my life, and enjoyed watching other people satirically suffer through stresses far bigger than mine... In a way it reminded me that there are bigger things to cry about. I vegged the hell out.

I think society pressures us to be happy all the damn time.  That's not reality.. Of course you can CHOOSE happiness.  I do that about 90% of the time.. But just like light, happiness does not exist without darkness.  And even in the darkness there is beauty.  We just have to adjust our lens to it.  

Today I feel inspired, faithful, beautiful, talented, and capable of achieving all that I set my eyes on.  It's only difficult to focus your eyes through tears and a cloudy spirit... Sometimes, you can't do anything but let the storm pass, and believe that it will.  

Most important, you must never forget to turn your pain into purpose... To turn something that once hurt so much, into something beautiful.. It's perhaps the most necessary thing you can do to heal yourself..