Stepping out of the Spotlight

If I could only show you the many blogs I've attempted to write these last couple of weeks wanting to stick to my new blog once a week goal.  I just couldn't find the words or feelings to make any of it feel good, or true even.  

Truth is, these last few weeks have been one crazy blur.

Transitions always seems to spin that way.  It takes time to figure them out.. 

NOVEMBER 8th - "All these posts start the same way... Me - staring at a blank page, trying to sort through my mind to articulate everything that I've learned this week."

NOVEMBER 15th - "I've got nothing"

NOVEMBER 20th - "Today I had this interesting revelation. Returning from Detroit for a show, several people asked me how my show was. I said good, it was! I sang well, performed well and the response was great, but truthfully I wasn't that excited about my gig."

TODAY resonates most with November 20th.  

Until this weekend I was unclear about how I'd been feeling about things.  

It started in Detroit -- I took a really inspiring trip to Hittsville, the Motown History Museum where I was given a tour of the very place that Motown first begun.  I learned about Barry Gordy's vision and the inspiring things that he did for the community of Detroit and the phenomenal artists he cultivated.  I had the chance to step foot in the same studio that Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, the Temptations, Diana Ross and Michael Jackson once stepped foot in.  I nearly cried because of how intense the preserved energy was in that space. 

I left with ideas about family structure, community support, and artist's development that I not only want to incorporate in my own life but share with others in hopes that they'll also be inspired.  

Later that night, I arrived at Majestic Café to the performance that initially brought me to Detroit.  As inspired as I was earlier that day, I left my performance feeling pretty uninspired.  I didn't realize until later, that this was the first performance where I wasn't nervous before I began - a red flag for me.  

Phone calls and several conversations later, I found myself answering, "How was your trip? How was your show?"

While I raved about my trip, my visit to Hittsville, the beautiful solitude, and ability to think without noise pollution, I could only respond "good" to the questions about my show. "It went well." Period. 

It was good! Don't get me wrong! In fact, I'd even had a girl come up to me thanking me for turning her day around -- that was what mattered most. Even so, I was completely unenthused by my performance. 

I could blame some technical difficulties if I wanted to, but the God honest truth is, I myself, was not enthusiastic or excited about my performance.  In fact, the last few performances I've had have felt pretty mundane.  

I finally took a step back and asked myself, "Why?"

This last trip to San Diego grew me a little... It had to with all that was changing for my family.  As of lately, I've had a lot on my mind.  

I now have this thirst for inspiration and creativity that I haven't been able to quench because my focus has been on booking gigs.  The gigs are what pays the bills and keeps me afloat.

And while I'm thankful to be able to perform and do what I love for money, I never wanted to do music just for the money... I want to do it because I'm passionate about it.  

I began to think about my career this year - how many stages I've touched in different cities across the US.  My track record is pretty impressive, and it's enough for me to admit that I have earned a well deserved break. 

I've decided to take a moment to seek inspiration and dive into my creativity uninterrupted.  An opportunity to grow as a musician, as a student of my craft, as a writer, and as an artist.  

This isn't me saying, "I never want to perform again", I love the stage far too much for that.  This is just me stepping out of the spotlight and saying, "I just don't want to be on display right now". 

I know WITHOUT HESITATION that this break will be everything I need it to be.  That I know with great certainty.  

Until next time.